Iz's Instant Therapy

Hit home with laser accuracy. Profound, touching, thought-provoking. Reblogging so I don’t lose it.

explodingdog:

In a past life I was a great juggler

This January, Natalie, a 10 year-old girl from Cape Town, was diagnosed with chordoma, and has been fighting it ever since. She has travelled from Cape Town to Boston, MA for treatment. Her story is amazing - watch the 3 minute video. Money quote: “Natalie’s mum always spoke to her about being held in the circle of love: a circle that starts with the little people. Imagine family, in a circle, holding hands and light. Imagine friends beyond them, holding hands, full of love, and making another BIG circle of love.

“Now, imagine a circle of love the size of Cape Town, now South Africa, now spreading around the whole world.”

Dear Anonymous,

There’s no reason you should know how to go within, trust yourself or listen to yourself if no one has shown you a way to do it, allowed you to practise, fall 20 times,and then go running down the pavement once you’ve worked it out. We live in a world that defines ‘success’, the ‘ideal life’, ‘normal’ - from career to appearance to sex - and has suddenly gotten on the ‘go within and listen’ train, telling us to do so without giving us any support or allowing our decision to be the right one without judging it against society’s definition of success. Ironic much?

No wonder you feel like you don’t even know where to start - and you are most certainly not alone in that.

I’m a huge fan of making decisions that are true to us, so the advice to listen to yourself is sound, and often the circumstances around situations give us hints - doors close rather than open; it feels like moving through molasses - or suddenly everything clicks into place. But how do we read/become aware of that? How do you now you’re not saying ‘THIS’ out of fear, a need for security/approval, grabbing to fill a space, just because it’s there?

I suspect you’re thinking things through, so I don’t need to tell you to do that - what I’m going to tell you to do is listen to your gut, and I mean it literally.

Everyone reacts differently when a decision is right/wrong for them, but there is a common thread: making a decision that isn’t right tends to leave us feeling ‘constricted’, pulled into ourselves, not comfortable in our own skin. Making the right decision tends to feel like things have opened up, more ‘spacious’, allowing us to be more ourselves. How that manifests is different for everyone - so how do you know?

This is where I think an exercise designed by Martha Beck, which she refers to as ‘shackles on/shackles off’, is one of the best things since basmati rice & a darn good chicken curry:

1. Think of someone/something/somewhere that makes you feel totally yourself: a close friend, being by the sea, just having a day that’s totally yours. Pay close attention to how you feel, emotionally AND in your body. Remember that - that’s your ‘shackles off’ response.

2. Think of someone who makes you forget who you are, a task that makes you feel like you would rather dental floss a Tyrannosaurus Rex, somewhere you’d just rather not be. Again, pay close attention to how you feel, emotionally AND in your body. Remember that - that’s your ‘shackles on’ response.

3. Now, take a deep breath, clear your mind, and think of a decision you need to make. Pay close attention to how you feel, emotionally AND in your body. (Sound familiar? ;-) ) This will tell you whether the decision is ‘shackles off’ (yes) or ‘shackles on’ (no). As with anything, there are degrees, and you’ll learn what that means for you over time.

4. Life isn’t always that simple, of course - sometimes, you’re getting a mixed message - you’ll become a wizard at deciphering what those nuances mean as you practise. Then the thing to do is break the decision down into components, and see how each one of those feel - if it’s a step of the decision that’s ‘shackles on’, is there another way to proceed, and if you proceed that way, does the whole decision then feel ‘shackles off’?

As with anything new, start small. Start with what you want to order in a restaurant, which route you want to travel, how you feel about a building you’ve just walked in or a person you’ve just been introduced to. Practise, practise, practise - and in time, you won’t even need the steps anymore, you’ll think ‘Ah, shackles on/no, that’s not right.’ or ‘Ah, YES! THIS.’

The proof of the pudding is in the eating, of course, and you’ll learn how this works for you from the results of your choices. We all make mistakes, the important thing is to learn and adjust - what this will do is get you into an ongoing conversation with your intuition, so you learn how it speaks to you - each relationship is unique (e.g., I feel almost everything in my solar plexus). Soon, like an expert tracker, you’ll know how to the signs/energy around situations and choose the ones that feel right for you - both large and small.

All the best - and remember, as Polonius said, “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” So being authentic isn’t selfish - it’s actually one of the most selfless things that you can do, because then you’re not constantly asking others to give you what you need - you’re giving it to yourself.

Good luck!

—Iz

Dear Anonymous,

I feel for everyone in this situation - for both you and your friend, watching someone you care about suffer, and for her husband, who is clearly deeply unhappy. Of course, my therapist brain is working overtime, wondering about dynamics, past and present, in families of origin, etc., but that is beyond the remit here - so let’s get down to your question (and agreed, counselling would help, but he needs to go for himself, not anyone else).

Your instincts sound wonderful: you have a good understanding of the situation; you know she can’t change him; and you know what her boundaries are. Definitely someone I’d want to count amongst my friends.

My suggestion would be just to listen - she’ll find her answers. Remind her to take care of herself, and perhaps see if you can get her out for coffee, dinner, a spa day, etc. What’s most important is that she’s grounded in and remains true to herself - so remind her she’s doing the best she can in a tough situation, that she knows what’s right for her, that you’re there to hold the space and help her find her way: not yours, her husband’s or anyone else’s. You’ll know if it feels right to gently challenge her or to offer opinions - you know your friendship best. Just keep bringing her back to how she’s feeling, what she wants to do, how she wants to move forward.

Having said that, stay grounded in and remain true to yourself. Be honest; be real. We tend to think that support means being relentlessly positive, but sometimes challenge, boundaries and honesty from the heart when we’re feeling frustrated are exactly what’s needed, and help people get unstuck when nothing else will.

So no words of wisdom - because every friendship is different - other than helping her remain true to herself so she can make decisions from her truth and just being there with Carl Rogers’ three core conditions: Unconditional Positive Regard (non-judgment), Empathy, and Congruence (Authenticity) - which are as much the bedrock of friendship as they are of therapy.

—Iz

Dear Anonymous,

I totally feel for you - as a natural introvert, I tend to have the same problem in large gatherings, let alone in a new city. If I were sitting across from you in Starbucks or in my therapy room, I’d be asking you why you’d moved - for work, for your partner/spouse, military base, etc. Your reason for moving would then offer me a place to start: e.g., if you’d moved for work, then I’d suggest getting to know work colleagues over lunch, coffee, drinks after work and start from there. On a military base, again, start with groups there, etc.

If there isn’t a ready-made group with similar interests (work colleagues, etc.) to start with, then I’d recommend following a recreational passion: find a salsa dancing class, a language class, book club, craft group, walking club, etc. Volunteering is also a great way to bond. If you like to exercise, check out your local gym, maybe a yoga or spinning class?

Any way you go, the underlying thread is the same - connection over a shared interest or goal. It gives you something to talk about, helping you get over the awkwardness of small talk (which I hate!) and you don’t dive immediately into small talk, kids or start off with a drunken night out - you’re talking about something you’re both interested in, which means you’re lit up and at your best. Friendships will start to unfold organically from there, and you don’t have the ‘OMG, there are millions of people in this city, where do I START?’ You get to start with a small group - and they know someone who knows someone who…

And if the first thing is a party with your partner and you feel overwhelmed, do what I do - offer to help in the kitchen - it’s a one-to-one conversation with the host/hostess, and eventually almost the entire party moves through the kitchen in ones and twos, making it SO much more manageable.

Hope that helps - good luck and let me know how you get on!

—Iz

My duvet on a lazy Saturday morning. Or one of many books!

Hi, I’m Iz, and I’m finishing up my counselling training. I’ve found myself doing a lot of impromptu counselling over Skype/IM, and after using http://pottermorecluehelp.tumblr.com, I thought tumblr would be perfect for an agony aunt type blog, where people could ask questions and have someone listen - sometimes, our friends are just too close and we need someone who doesn’t have any preconceptions about us to just hear us and help us see things a different way.

So, here I am.

Please bear in mind that I cannot do in depth therapy here, this is more along the lines of an agony aunt - if you have serious issues, please, please, please find a trained therapist or doctor for longer term, in-depth work. It’s not a sign of weakness - it’s the ultimate strength. 

And I’m also happy for people to post interesting psychological trivia, tidbits, links, etc. Looking forward to meeting you!

—Iz